Saturday, May 19, 2012

Butch in relation to femmes, and vice-versa


i may only be butch for straight women.

i possess very few butch qualities, but the ones i have, i hold as deeply and as seriously as any butch. but i only feel those qualities when straight women are involved. example: i believe that every woman deserves to be taken out by a gentleman. he should pick you up, take you where you are going, pay for any expenses that should arise, and treat you with respect the entire time. if no straight man appears to be providing this service for a deserving straight woman of my acquaintance, i may feel obliged to offer.

this is completely different from my relationship with my partner, to whom i am always the femme. (and delightedly so, because he knows how to do all those gentlemanly things!) because i know how to be a good butch AND a good femme, i would never act on the above-mentioned sense of obligation as long as i am otherwise attached.

Further distinction of pieces of a gender

genderqueer = my internal perception of self (identity)

femme = my role in interactions (social behavior)

dyke = my outward appearance (physical presentation)

Androgyny as Activism

visible androgyny is a form of activism for me. i live my life to set an example that people who look like me can be successful in a professional setting, in a higher education setting, in a family setting. i want to set a good example for younger androgynes so they know that it can get better, if it's making them miserable, and that it doesn't have to get worse, if it's treating them alright so far. i want people who have never seen someone with my gender presentation before to know that we exist and that we're not scary, or even really all that different from them. (i do think that i have an advantage in this over my male counterparts, because females are more generally perceived as non-threatening. i don't think that's particularly fair.) by presenting a gender that is more central on the spectrum, we are visible evidence against a bi-gender culture. demolishing that structure is essential to the equality of all genders.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Sex & gender activism

Kate Bornstein asks,

"As sex and gender activists, what rights and resources must we demand?
Of what value is our sex and gender activism to allied activists of other marginalized groups?"

As sex and gender activists, we must demand our right to free speech. We must demand equal access to the resources of mass media as our opponents.

Our sex and gender activism helps to break down the most primary distinction between groups of humans, and helps others become more open to the idea that those distinctions may not really exist anywhere.

secret decoder rings

i am relieved by the presence of butches anywhere. i see you on the train, on the street, behind the counter. i see you being your best to the people who need you, reminding them what real gentility looks like. i see you trying not to let too many people see you. thank you for meeting my gaze and releasing it.

rest assured, we femmes can still recognize you, across genders and generations.

Friday, March 23, 2012

dysphoria vs. negative body image

the difference between dysphoria and negative body image

i feel a responsibility to post this after my post a couple weeks ago. i'm still forming my own opinion.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

subtle cues

i just got engaged. i'm thrilled about it; i couldn't be happier to be with this person and i'm excited to promise officially that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. my fiance gave me a beautiful engagement ring with meanings that are so uniquely us, and i love it. i challenge you to think of a more feminizing accessory.

it's not that i'm not happy or proud to marry to my partner. it's more that my internal gender is not one to match a big shiny engagement ring all the time. no matter what the rest of me is wearing, my left ring finger screams WOMAN in all the loudest of tones. there are times when that is completely appropriate and it perfects my outward gender ensemble in a way that i just learned exists. there are also times when it feels like a giveaway, like my voice when somebody asks for the time.

the expectation when somebody receives an engagement ring is that they will wear it all the time, to signal their full-time commitment to their partner. it marks me not only as woman but as his woman, as one who belongs to someone else. the feminist in me resists, even while the femme in me revels at the designation. of course i want to be his; that doesn't mean i'm always in a situation where i need the woman part proclaimed loudly with glitter.

there is no paradox here, but it feels like one.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

finding common threads

i think what i want you to understand, just like any person whose body image complicates their life, is that what you see when you look at me may not be the same as what i see when i look in the mirror. my self-perception of my body does not (always) match what people tell me it should be.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

what genderqueer feels like

genderqueer: feeling pressured to present as one gender over another, when you really want to express as many as there are.

i may look like a woman most days, but that doesn't mean that's all i am. i need time to be a boy, too, and everything in between. i am so fascinated by the incredible array of genders in front of me that i want to try them all on. i take the pieces i like from each one and mix-and-match.

i like the look of me, mix-and-matched.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Breaking the rules

i gender in layers like i'm getting ready to go out in the cold. you might think you've got it figured out, but really there's more hidden just underneath.

Religion & gender

How has religion--or the absence of one--impacted your gender?
How has your spiritual path impacted your gender?

this is a big one. the reason i ultimately broke with the Catholic church was that one day in my high school classroom, i was listening to a couple of other girls talk about what they had learned in sex ed in middle school. we were comparing experiences. one of them said that her Catholic school had taught her, "some people are gay and it's ok to be homosexual as long as you don't act on it, but there's no such thing as bisexual." at that moment, i realized that i could no longer be a part of a church that didn't even recognize my existence.

that has continued to seem like a good criterion for a spiritual community. if i ever join a church again, it will need to be a church that has room for my whole experience.

my personal spirituality is a disorganized mess, but when i don't talk too much about it, it tends to find a peaceful equilibrium. much like my gender, come to think of it.

Politics & gender

How does politics impact your gender?

i'm pretty sure all of my politics are feminist politics. i hate the word 'feminist'; it always makes me think of angry boot-wearing lesbians who hate men and yell a lot. not that there is anything wrong with boot-wearing lesbians; it's the implied anger that gets me. to me, feminism should be about equality more than anger. feminism doesn't mean making women more than; it means making people equals.

i believe that misogyny is the root of all evil. hatred of women leads to violence against women, violence against straight men because of women, violence against gay men, violence against anyone who is perceived as violating the gender binary. homophobia is misogyny. transphobia is misogyny. patriarchy does not have to be misogyny, but is so often (mis)interpreted that way. in that sense, all of my politics and certainly all of my political activism are feminist, because those are the things i work to end.

i don't know if my identity as a femme/female strengthens my resolve politically, but i am sure that my dedication to anti-misogynistic causes has strengthened my pride in my woman identity. fighting misogyny that affects others has helped me to overcome my own internalized misogyny against myself, and that--that has to be worth something.

What's Age Got to Do With It?

How does your age impact your gender?

my gender has changed over time, but i think that's a characteristic of my gender more than a reflection of my age. i was very girly as a small child; i grew into "baggy pants with tight shirts OR tight pants with baggy shirts" around middle school; and of course i got way dykier when i went away to college. now i'm more comfortable with the various parts of my gender; i'm more practiced at picking and choosing pieces every day.

i feel like the responsibilities i have held at different ages have impacted my performance of gender more than my age itself. i was very androgynous in college because i was held to so few standards. i wore a uniform every day until i graduated high school, and at that time i certainly wasn't going to be one of the girls who wore pants, so it was practically a non-issue. now in a professional setting, i feel like i have to be feminine more often than not, but i'm trying to queer it as often as i can.

What's Your Gender?

Kate Bornstein, gender destroyer extraordinaire, has posted a series of questions to her blog while she updates "My Gender Workbook." here's my answer to the first one.

What's your gender?

femme.
more specifically: genderqueer femme dyke.

'dyke' for me feels like a gender more than a sexual orientation. if you want my sexual orientation, i could give it to you, but my interpretation of 'dyke' has to do with the gendered appearance of a specific sort of lesbians. kind of androgynous, but still obviously feminine.

'genderqueer': i like to swing back and forth on the gender pendulum. sometimes i even visit the ends of the spectrum, just for kicks. most of the time, i sway somewhere near the middle. my masculine end comes out as a misogynistic, homophobic drag king who's a closet gay. my feminine end appears in a little black dress and pearls. but if i look like a 12-year-old boy all the time, i don't think i'll be that upset about it.

'femme' is the way i perform myself for an audience of others. femme is in my interactions & my affectations. i'll be the first to admit i do not perform it with the flawless grace of high femmes--the other parts of my gender intervene.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

the beginning

there was a time when every time someone asked me, "how was your weekend?" i would lie and say "oh, y'know, pretty quiet," because if i had told you the truth, you wouldn't have believed me.

"oh, y'know, i just spent three nights in a row at the bar stuffing one-dollar bills into the panties of aging hermaphrodites. whatever."

none of those words are politically correct, and they're usually not accurate either.

and how would you respond? "oh, really? how was that?" or better yet, "what were you drinking?"